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over the years

14.06.2012 00:39 EDT
i am awake. wanna write, but not fiction. I'm a bit torn. I'm in a marriage of convenience because of children and finances. I'm 40+, and watching my youth disappear. Although i am sexier now because I'm in my seasoned prime, i dread the loss of another 11 years till I'm free. when our business takes off, i may need to leave sooner with the kids.
I joined a website for married professionals who are looking to have an affair, but not wishing to change their status. i had good luck with it, and found someone who is a marvelous personality match. of course we have greater feelings now 16 months later than we meant to have, but i try to make the once a week encounter suffice. i am actually torn the last few months as to whether i should continue to see him. I've talked my brain into disappearing about 5 times over the past year, but i always come back for more. he's positively addicting.
Its a selfish time for me now. i struggle with finally feeling alive, and enjoying it, and the guilt of having weekly time away from the kids to get my "fix". I'm thinking of heading online to find another lover that i don't feel so strongly about, but on the other hand, when i do leave, i want to leave unattached. i wanna quit my marriage alone, because ive decided being alone is a better choice than staying in the current situation. i want to rely solely on myself.
What i took most from the weekly encounters was the knowledge that love can feel and be different than i have experienced the last 17 years. i know i am worthy and capable of giving and receiving, and i know there are people out there who are a better match for me. the laughter and passion the last year n half have been marvelous. just what i needed. I'm ready to be out on my own.
Just a few thoughts on my mind...
Its a tricky situation to be in and one not easily resolved.It can be hard on everyone but if you've done right by your kids, and you feel they're old enough to understand, you have to be selfish and think of your own happiness. No point two people being trapped and feeling miserable for the sake of face. ITS TIME TO START LIVING!!! .......speaks one who's still trapped, was it Alice in Wonderland that she said 'I'm very fond of giving advice....but I very seldom listen!! lol. Ho-hum.xx
15.07.2015 05:37 EDT,
whoa whoa wow wow..
25.12.2014 16:15 EST,
You deserve all the happiness u can get x u give so much on this site x
20.05.2013 17:18 EDT,
The life what we all the one realises to their own self the one really does something for their own...simply...we live for our committments....take ur time out and u definitely need the energising break....also....u know it....which is correct and which is incorrect........good luck ! :)
26.06.2012 20:13 EDT,
I hope what ever u decide to do u will be happy. Time to have fun do it with no regrets.
21.06.2012 06:51 EDT,

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