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This fellow who hadspent his whole life in the desert comesto visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle
-- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- andis thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering,he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen,he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, seeswhat's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across froman old man who justglares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you wereyoung?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and made love with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son.
During a sharing time in the early part of a service, a visitor admitted a shortcoming.
"I'm a spendthrift. I just cannot keep any money in my pocket.
I give it away as if it grew on trees. Please pray for me."
"We certainly will," said the pastor,"right after we take up the offering."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival toheaven, they are allasked,
"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you,
what would you liketo hear them say about you?"
The first man says,
"I would like to hearthem say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says,
"I would like to hearthat I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last man replies,
"I would like to hearthem say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!"says the man.
"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the motherallowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking.
Teacher: Peter! Tell us, what's the biggest in the world?
Peter: Well, well....eyelids....
Teacher: What? Eyelids?
Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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