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74.JUST POURING OUT MY HEART

It was during the days when I used to attend the classes for my 12th. Ved joined the
same classes some days later. Not very handsome, not very attractive, he was not the type
to take away my breath at the start and I don’t recollect giving more than a cursory look
for the initial few days. Being a home to classes and back types, there was also little
opportunity of knowing him as such.

A few days later while having that chai with a mutual friend we got acquainted better.
A shot of tobacco and that cig., was enuff, to get me, to put him high on my dislike
index (I still do dislike him for that).
Months passed with us going to the same class –him smoking and my awarding him more
points on that index.

With December, the examiner wielding his pen like an axe was looming large. Since he
and a girl were studying together I asked whether I could also join so that we could study
jointly.

Then started days of my picking him up, going to study with her.
Though I used to come back in afternoon, for some reason I used to still go and pick
him up in evening from her house and drop him back. I believed I still didn’t like him and
I was doing this just as he did not have a vehicle.
(Philanthropist!????)

Days passed and we used to wander around together. Somehow, somewhere I learned that
maybe this person is not as bad a person as I made out to be. He may have some habits I
didn’t care about positively – but he was good at heart. The daily roam of an hour, the ride
back, the time that was spent was something I started looking forward to. In those
pre-college days, just being able to keep my hands on his shoulders when he used to drive would
give me the kicks. Never really knew when the hands found their way from holding his
shoulders to his thighs – but there they were!

And during all this time, the closeness of our bodies meant a rise in my need to hold
him, to be with him….. to be in a state where I could be one with him. This was a thought
that used to be with me through the day and grow as light waned. The thought of him, his
touch, the very scent of his sweat after playing together played havoc with all my carnal
tendencies.

While wrestling and tickling each other he would hug me tightly. That used to make me
think if he really has something in mind about me. Of course I could hardly think of
telling him – was too shy and too afraid, of it. I still remember the sight of him when he
came out of the shower and stood before me with only his basics on……… it was a sheer effort
not to touch or ever to tear my eyes from him. Amidst all this came an unexpected
windfall of sorts.

Ved asked me if I could come to his home at night to study. There was of course no
question about not going. After a small attempt at learning that, which we had anyway not
been able to master in broad daylight we called it a shot and went to sleep together. My
heart was like wild at the very thought and though sleep refused to come anywhere near, I
did pretend to sleep. And soon enough I was rewarded with a leg casually thrown over mine
as he dozed like an angel beside me. It took a lot of courage, but finally I could manage
to get closer and bury my face into his armpits. Soon we were wrapped together with his
one leg between mine as I threw my leg over his waist and my hand over his chest. By this
time I had a raging hard on and this seemed close to my fantasies since I had seen him
step out of the shower. I pretended to scratch and gingerly touched his crotch. But he
suddenly put a protective hand – and I let it rest at that, content with the way things were.
And this way we
lay till the wee hours of morning with me dozing off and on in between.
He got up in morning with no trace showing how close we were – but maybe he had even
realized things, which had kept me awake for the better part of the night.
The next night we again tried studying, failed immediately and went to sleep – but this
time there was nothing that happened and though on the same bed, we were like on separate
poles of the earth.
And that was the last night we studied together too.
Though the exams were now close, I was focused and concentrated on only the sight of
that body out of the shower and the night we had spent – do as I might I could not divert
myself.
With no big surprise I flunked in 2 subjects. The only good part was Ved also flunked
in 5 and it was study time for both of us J
By this time, during vacations, Ved had started dating a girl and though I had no
specific reason to visit him, under of excuse of meetings common frnds I would end up meeting
him.
So there (happily for the failure) we ended up studying together. I wud go to his place
by 7.30 in morning and we wud head up to the terrace. It was in a sense kind of childish
the way we used to study. One of us used to read while the other listened and then goes
about this way in turns, sittng close to each other with his hand around my shoulders.
Sometimes as I kept my hand on this thigh it would touch his privates, and that was worth
all the time spent together.
In study breaks we used to sit downstairs talking and me hearing him say, asking where
he went, with whom, did what…. the questions would flow just to keep him talking.
Often with frnds I used to complete his sentences(having already heard them earlier).
Friends who used to chance on us used to tease us –whether we were studying or as a
couple ………He never used to mind and I used to be happier by each such comment. Somewhere
during this time, I felt that I am not just attracted physically, but also emotionally to
him.
I am in luv with him.
I used to live to listen to him, to look at him, to be with him.
He used to be in thoughts thru the day, nites and dreams. If he showed displeasure in
any act I wud for with leave it. I wud dream of him when reading a book, while watching a
movie. Of settling with him and bearing (or adopting) his kids.
Life was good and painful at the same time. His girlfriend was a constant source of
jealously to me.
We had till then not seen any movie together – it was THE romantic thing to do, but I
cud not muster the courage to ask him out for it. With gr8 courage I asked him finally if
he was free in the nite for a movie – and after a small silence … “yes”! Don’t know
whether I watched even Milind Soman or not with him beside me.
For the next two years it was just I and he going to the movies together – and as frnds
noticed we wud not ask anyone else with us we were increasingly teased as hubby and wife
(J). By this time I used to make him drive the vehicle and sit behind. He was also very
comfortable with me holding around him or keeping my hands on his thighs.

But somewhere on this things started souring. Other than a Hi or hello, he used to
restrict his communications with me. This used to further drive me mad and I ended up
responding tit-for-tat. But finally I asked him, and he just feigned “hmmmmm? —I am talking to
you – ant’ I?” – and I left it at that and drove off.
And so it continued that even if we were together for hours with friends, we seldom
used to exchange more than lapin pleasantries. Each day I would hope for some change in him,
some restart of our relation – but come back to the bed with a broken heart.
One day while riding back to his house, while resting my hands on his thighs , which
was normal by then, I accidentally touched him where I shouldn’t have. His sharp retort
“hey, what r u doing. Just take your hands off my thighs”. More than the words, his sharp
voice broke me totally.
I never said that if I m loving him, then he has to love me back. Or what emotions I
have for him, he should also have those emotions for me. He might be feeling violated
when I touched him anywhere his body. He never said anything to me when I used to touch him
anywhere. I was taking him for granted that he likes me and he is going to have sex with
me. I realised this is my fault that I was taking him for granted.
This incident taught me a lesson. I started to watch my own feelings from a third
person’s eye. Whenever I used to go close to him I would think not less than 10 times and
then do particular things .Then again I loved him but now but I could understand, when I was
going too close to him, and when he was not in the mood to have me around him. I used to
be around him so much that he was getting addicted to my touch. He used to show
nervousness on his face when I wouldn’t go close to him or touch him.
One more incident in between. Me and him and a group of girls and boys were going to
Bhushi Dam near Lonavala. He was waiting after every some time to have a drink. After 2nd
time I really got angry. I wanted to slap him hard. He got a clue that I m angry. He
tried to talk with me but I didn’t say a word to him. So when we reached the dam, he himself
came near me and started talking. He was trying to get close to me. Once in the
waterfall, for more than 2 minutes he hugged me. Then I couldn’t resist myself to talking to him
and then I really enjoyed the trip.

Keeping my hands on his thighs very near to his privates and moving my fingers
slightly, circling there, was my favorite time pass when we would go to bar to have some drinks.
I would be in my senses as I used to take soft drinks. And after some pegs of his, he
would come closer to me, charging me without drinking.

I really don’t know what was on his mind. I can say for sure that he is not gay. He
never touched me in that manner or he never passed any of the comments about the guys
passing by. He was as ‘cold’ as other straight guys are, in the guy’s (or should I say gay’s?)
matter. Sometimes the issue of homosexuality would be discussed in the group. But not in
the serious manner but as a joke. So even I would laugh at their dirty jokes. But I used
to see at him and then laugh. So that he might get an idea but that never happened. There
are two things about him. 1.He knew everything what I wanted to tell him through signals.
2. He didn’t get any clue what I wanted to tell him. Or the third and thing I can say
now. . He knew what I wanted to tell him but as he was not gay he didn’t feel to give
importance to those things. I think 3rd options is realistic. He ...


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