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67.My Story - Manas

My Story

Since time immemorial I have memories of gay inclination. And at times had been annoyed with God regarding the way I am. But maturity imparted profound wisdom to my restless soul; I have learnt to appreciate many things that the Almighty had seemingly bestowed on me, things which many of an unfortunate soul aspire for. Like the wonderful set of parents he has given me. Its not like every one loves there parents, ‘cause I have seen how, many a times they were willing to walk the extra mile just for me, jeopardized their aspirations for my sake, make sacrifices to promote my education & career.

Being 26 years old, I know that I can impede marriage almost by 4 years from now, but I cannot shun marriage! ‘cause I am the only son of my parents, though I have a younger sister to my respite. Middle class background & aspirations makes life demanding & responsible from many sides. At times society, neighborhood & friends circle makes life hell, protruding questions from all sides regarding my marriage. I know the hypocrisy of this material life & its people, but how do I make my parents understand? I cannot come out to them; I don’t possess that kind of courage to let them down. ‘cause after knowing my state they would be thoroughly disappointed, & won’t be able to face them then in their old age. My parents are already old, they keep hitting me & telling me about the stats of the very many girls they have gathered!! I listen to them is total silence, not knowing what to do?

Girls had never excited me. Not that I don’t find them beautiful. Beautiful they are, even the butterfly with its colored wings, a baby with its innocent smile, the morning milkman with his sincere smile are beautiful, but I don’t feel like being physical with them. Even in my school & college days, turning the pages of Debonair never ever gave me an erection. Since last few months though I have deliberately tried to be straight, now a days I try to concentrate greater on the female genital (watching straight porn movies) & imagine myself in place of the porn-actor agitating them.

I think I would succeed in feigning sexual compatibility with the farer sex, though honestly speaking; the very idea of having sex with a girl has been a huge turndown for me. It reminds me of a story in some National Geographic Magazine, how during the Soviet-Afghan war of 1980’s, one of the Russian soldiers was caught by the warring Afgani gorilla forces. The Russian soldier was a devout Christian & detested Islamic conservatives from his heart. The poor fellow after being caught was not killed. Instead he was kept alive in a hole for many many years being brainwashed simultaneously by the Islamic militia.

When the Russian army receded back in 1990, owing to trouble back home (when USSR disintegrated), failed to get any news from him they took him to be dead. Surprisingly the poor fellow resurfaced in the US led war against Afghan following Sept 11 2001, now a La Mohammed, who was a teacher of Islamic studies at a local madarasa in Khandhar, possessing two Afghani Muslim wifes & having fathered 15 children. All in one a big happy muslim family eating kababs & sewai & performing 5 times namaz.

Surprising isn’t it? But if brainwashing can turn an Islam hater Christian into a full pledged Islamic teacher why won’t that trick work for converting a gay guy into straight?

Army barracks, boys hostel rooms, shipping industry are all places notorious for straight men indulging in gay sex. Reason being? Limited access to women for sex. Well the point must have been evident to you. If straight men could indulge in gay sex, won’t vice versa hold too?
I hope it works for me, cause I don’t really have any other option. Once I went to a very famous palmist of my village. Looking at my right palm he predicted that my marriage life wouldn’t be happy, well I quite expected something like that beforehand. But what he told me next made me jump from my seat. He said that I would have to marry twice!!!! God forbids… I don’t want to marry even once & this palmist is getting me married twice??

Kutch Gujrat

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