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<>◊Business and Professions◊<>

Caution: Adult Language and Situations

A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest. The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first." The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first." The Lawyer said, "Sorry Guys, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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Why I Am So Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million todo the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employedby the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first applicant was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How muchis two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
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What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
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What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
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Two accoutancy students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" "The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterdayminding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The firstaccountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:
-> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
-> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
-> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
-> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
-> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
-> "I am a rabid typist."
-> "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
-> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
-> "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
-> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
-> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
-> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
-> "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
-> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
-> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
-> "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
-> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
-> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
-> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
-> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
-> "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
-> Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from youshorty!"
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