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Random jokes (short)

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

hy is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?

By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?

A sour cream puff...

why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead...

why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead too...

why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?

A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!!

Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?

A:About 45 minutes !!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn't sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It's doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Now, if I could just find the time to write it.

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?

The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?

"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

Scared the hell out of the dog.

Why was Phillip's girlfreind dissapointed?

Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.

What's the dofferemce between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?

"Chop chop."

this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I?

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end youlose your house.

Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?

By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What do you call a depressed 60 pound weakling?

A sour cream puff...

why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead...

why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead too...

why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their personalities!

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand!

Why do mice have small balls?

Not that many know how to dance.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy's back. The father doesn't see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and whispered in his father's ear, "Hold on tight, daddy, this is usually where me and the postman get bucked off."

I've got some eployees who have been around here so long they can remember the Dead Sea before it got sick.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

You don't, you've told her twice already!

A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and says: "Ouch! That hurt". She then touches her elbow which evokes yet another painful response. She then touches her ear and complains that it is sensitive too. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken."

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Baby viper: I don't like the vipers next door.

Momma Viper: Why?

Baby Viper: They won't let me hiss in thier pit!

Momma Viper: That's alright, I knew them when they did't have a pit to hiss in!

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

The Elephants foreskin.

I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think chilldren should be having sex.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

If the makers of Star Trek bought the Mir Space Station, they would probably have to rename it Deepshit 9.

What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?

The torturer would apologize first.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

Sign on a church bulletin board: You aren't too bad to come in, You aren't good enough to stay out.

During the war, people used to say that you needn't worry about the bombs. They would only hit you if they had your name written on them. Which was bad news for my neigbours, Mr. and Mrs. Doodlebug.

What is the Australian for foreplay?

Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?

Are you awake, Gwen?

Visiual joke. Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders. Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

Written on a toilet roll in a public Lavatory : "Sociology Degrees, please take one."

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease". The man replies "Well,thank God I don't have cancer!"

Roses are redish,

Violets are blueish,
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