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long jokes(4 phones that can't go to real big site

Hanging from tree

This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful
woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and
very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both
legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this
was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.

They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most
attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to
another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial
moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for
both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower
branch while we do it."

He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how
good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and
gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was
preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch.
"Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with
my daughter."
"You did?"
"Yes. And, I want to thank you."
"You do?"
"Yes. Every other guy she's brought home has left her hanging in
the tree."

Hitch hiking girl

A suburban houswife came home from her bridge game to find her
husband in bed with a young woman. The wife bellowed 'What's
going on here!'

The husband said 'Now, honey, don't get excited. This girl was
hitch hiking, so I offered her a ride. She hadn't anything to eat all
day so I brought her home to feed her. I noticed her clothers were
torn so I gave her that old pair of jeans that you don't wear. Her
blouse was in bad shape, so I gave her that shirt you havn't worn
in five years. She was barefooted so I gave her those sandals that
you never wear. And then she asked me, 'Is there anything else
your wife doesn't use any more?''


A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He
walks up to the car and sees a good-looking blonde woman is
driving, and he can smell alcohol on her breath. He says: 'I'm
going to have to give you a breathalyzer test to determine that you
are not under the influence of alcohol.'

She blows into the breathalyzer and he walks back to the police
car. After a couple of minutes cames abck and say 'It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones!'

She replies 'You mean it shows that, too?'


Pierre, a french fighter pilot takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
picnic by the river Seine. It's a beutiful day and love is in the air
so Marie leans over to Pierre and says 'Pierre, kiss me!'

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips. 'What are you doing Pierre?' She screams.
'Well, my name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have
red meat I like to have red wine!'
His answer is good enough for marie and things begin to heat up
a bit. So she says 'Pierre, kis me lower!'
Our here rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing!' She shrieks.
'My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have white
meat I like to have white wine!'

They resume thier passionate interlude and things really start to steam
up. Marie leans over and whispers in his ear 'Kiss me lower...!'

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, sprinkles it all
over her, grabs a match and sets it on fire. 'PIERRE!' She screams,

'My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I go down,
I go down in a blaze of glory!'

Boy and a dead frog

A 12 year old boy walked into a whorehouse carrying a dead frog. He
walked up to the madame on the door and said 'I want a prostitute.'

'I'm sorry,' said the woman, 'But I couldn't let someone of your age in
here.' The boy got $100 out of his pocket and slammed it dwn on the
desk. 'No problem, sir.' Said the woman. 'Who would you like?'

'I'd like a prostitute with Thrush, siphylis, crabs and Aids.' said the boy.
'Sorry,' said the woman, 'but I run a quality establishment and all my
girls are very clean. We don't have any girls with any deseases'. The
boy got out another $100, and slammed that down on the desk.

'Okay.' Said the woman, 'Upstairs, fist left. Thats Dirty Dedrie's room.'

Fifteen minutes later the boy came back downstairs, and just as he
was about to leave the woman called him over. 'You must tell me why
you've come in here with a dead frog and had sex with a prostitute who
has all those deseases.'

'Well,' said the boy, 'I have just had sex with Dirty Diedrie, so I've
caught them. I'll now go home and have sex with the babysitter, so
she'll catch them. She'll have sex with my Dad when he takes her
home and he'll get them. When my dad gets home he'll have sex with
my Mother and she'll get them. Then tommorow morning my Mother
will have sex wit the milkman. And he's the bastard who ran over my

Warm Fingers

I was sitting in a restaurant at a hotel the other day, when a
waiter came in, carrying my bowl of soup, with his fingers
in it. I asked him:
'Why have you got your fingers in the soup?'
'To keep them warm.' he replied.
'Why don't you poke them up your ass?' I asked.
'I do in the kitchen...'

The dead Irishman

Three Irishmen worked in the guinness brewery, when one day
one of them fell in one of the vats and drowned. It was up to
the other men to tell his wife what had happened.

They went to his house, and his wife invited them in. They sat
her down, and told her how her husband had drowned after
falling into the big vat of guinness.

'Was he in any pain?' asked the wife.
'I don't' know,' said one of the men, 'But he climbed out twice
to go to the toilet.'

The three legged chicken

A man was driving down the motorway one day, when he looked into
his rear view mirror and saw a three legged chicken running along
behind him. Not before long the three legged chicken was running
along beside him.

Not wanting to be slower than a chicken the man put his foot on the
accelerator pedal and sped up to 80m.p.h. He looked out his window
and the chicken was still there. He accelerated again, up to 110m.p.h,
but the chicken was still there. He put his foot hard down on the pedal
and reache almost 140m.p.h, but still the chicken was running along
side him, not even out of breath.

Very soon the chicken overtook him, and was almost 50 metres in
front of the car when it took a sharp turn down a side road. It was
too lat for the driver to break and follow him, so he carried on to the
next turning, turned around, and went down the side road. He was
determined to discover the origin of this three legged chicken.

After about five minutes the road came to an end at a small farm.
Leaning over the gate was a farmer. The man got out of his car and
went up to the farmer.

'Excuse me.' He said. 'But did you see a three legged chicken go past
'Ay.' Said the farmer.
'Did you see where it went?' Asked the man.
'Ay.' Said the farmer. 'I breed 'em.'
'You breed three legged chickens!' Exclaimed the man.
'Ay.' Replied the farmer.
'Why do you do that?' asked the man.
'Well' said the farmer, 'I like a leg. My wife likes a leg, and my son likes
a leg.'
'That's amazing,' said the man.'What do they taste like?'
'I don't know.' Said the farmer, 'They run so bloody fast I can't catch

Teenager in Love

A teenager walked into the chemist shop to buy condoms for
the first time. He was going to have sex with his girlfriend for
the first time. He walked up to the counter, and after a few
minutes of small talk he finnaly picked up the courage to ask
which ones he should buy. He explained to the shopkeeper
about his girlfriend and it was to be thier first time. Eventually
the shopkeeper gave him the ones he wanted and the
teenager left.

Later that night he arrived at his girlfriend's house. She
explained that they were to have dinner with her parents
before they went out. He sat at the table and, oppisite her
parents and they began to eat.

'Before we start' said the teenager, 'we must bless the food
that we are about to eat.
'Okay' said the father, and they blessed the food.
'Now we must bless the knives and forks that we are to use
when eating the food'
Again, they blessed the food. As the dinner progressed the
teenager blessed the table, the family, thier daughter, the plates,
the desert, the coffee, the candles, the napkins and everything

Just as the parents left the table, the daughter leaned
over the table and said to the teenager:
'I didn't know you were such a devout christian.'
'And I didn't know your father was a chemist' replied the


A man walked into a chemist shop and walked up to the counter.
He asked the man serving where the tampons were, and he was
directed to the rear of the shop.

The man walked in that direction, and several minutes later he
returned to the counter with a packet of tissues and some cotton

The owner looked at him confused, and asked:
'Why did you come in here, ask for a packet of tampons, and
get those items?'
'Well,' said the man 'Last night I sent my wife down to the
newsagent to buy me a packet of fags. She came back with
a packet of papers and some tobbaco. Tonight she can roll
her own.'

A Prison joke

A man went to prison for the first time. He was in a cell with another
man, and just as the lights were turned out in the evening he heard
somebody from another cell shout out 'THIRTY-ONE!'.

All of a sudden everybody in the cell block burst out with laughter.
Then another voice shouted 'FIFTY-SIX!'. Again everybody burst
out with laughter.

The man was puzzled as to what was going on, so he turned to his
cell mate and asked: 'Why is it, when somebody shouts out a
number, everybody bursts out with laughter?'

His cell mate replied: 'Well, you see, down in the prison library we
have a joke book that contains every joke ever told. And we've all
been in here so long we've all memorised all the jokes. So ...
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