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Long jokes 2

The moral of the story is..?

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....

The next day Billy tells his story....

"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over
enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of
beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the
case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade
on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral
to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's
been drinking".

Sex of a computer

Five reasons computers must be female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

5 reasons why computers must be Male:

1. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established
a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do any
more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
4. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in
for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with
an under powered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
have their attention.

American Law and Order

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to
catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm
a rabbit!"

Tramp on a bench

After a hard day a tramp needed to go to sleep. He was very tired, so
he went to a park that was near, covered himself in some newspapers
and tried to go to sleep.

Only a few minutes had passed, when a man walked up to him, and
tapped him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, mate, have you got the time?"
The tramped looked up at him, annoyed at being disturbed. But
not wanting an argument, looked at his watch and told the man that it
was 11.30.
The man said "Thank you." and walked off.
The tramp tried to get to sleep again.

A few minutes later, a man walked up to him, and tapped him on
the shoulder.
"Excuse me, mate, have you got the time?" said the man.
The tramped looked up at him, annoyed at being disturbed again.
But not wanting an argument, looked at his watch and told the man
that it was 11.35.
The man said "Thanks" and walked off.
The tramp tried to get to sleep again.

A few minutes later, another man walked up to him, and tapped him
on the shoulder.
"Have you got the time?" asked the man.
The tramped looked up at him. This time he was really annoyed,
but he didn't want an argument, so he looked at his watch and told
the man that it was 11.40.
The man said "Thank you" and walked away.

The tramp decided that he didn't want to be disturbed again, so he got
out a marker pen, and a piece of card, and wrote on it:
Knowing that he would know not be disturbed, he tried to get to sleep
once more.

A few minutes late tha tramp felt a tap on his shoulder.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" Screamed the tramp.
A man looked down at him a said "Its a quarter-to-twelve!"

Potential and reality

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to
you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me
what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "If someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "YES! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured
it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality,
we are living with a couple of whores."

Drowning my sorrows

A distressed-looking man had drunk several drinks in rapid
succession before the barman asked him, "Are you trying to drown
your sorrows mate?"
"You could say that," the man replied
"it usually doesn't work, you know" said the barman.
"No." agreed the man,."I can't even get her anywhere near the

True stories from Ireland

Patrick left the pub after having a wee bit too much to drink.. He was
taking the underground (Subway) home. As he started to get on the
escalator, he read the sign "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."
He shouted, "Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?"

Casey had two wooden legs. One day his house caught on fire.
The firemen saved the house, but Casey burned to the ground.
He took the insurance company to court, but they said he didn't have
a leg top stand on!

Shaun was visited at his death bed by his two good Irish friends, Pat
and John. Shawn asked his friends to grant his final wish.
"Anything, Shaun you just name it." Replied Pat. Shawn asked that
when he was gone that his friends would pour a bottle of the best
Irish wiskey over his grave.
"Of course," replied Pat, "but would you give us one last favour?"
"What might that be?" asked Shawn.
"Would you mind if we kind of filtered that whiskey through our kidneys

Sent to prison 30 years ago

A man had just got out of prison, after spending 30 years there. While
sitting in a bar having his first drink after all that time, a dirty,
filthy, greasy, long haired, bearded man came over and sat down
next to him. The man stared at the guy for about 5 minutes and the
guy asked the ex-con, "Why ARE you staring at me ??? "
The guy said, "What the hell are you ? "
"I'm a hippie." Replied the other guy.
The ex-con asks, "What the hell is that ? "
The guy told him and the ex-con says over and over, "Thank God !!!"
The guy asked him why he was saying Thank God and the guy told
him, "30 years ago, I got sent to prison for having sex with a buffalo,
and I thought you was my son."


Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about
his sexual performance. She said, "Every time we make love, I
get splinters."

So he went back to his maker, Gepetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper, my boy. That's what you need," was the carpenter's

A couple of weeks later the carpenter met Pinnochio, "How are
you getting on with the girls now?" he asked.
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.

Load of Bulls

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the farmer was going to
bring yet another bull onto the farm, and the prospect raised a
discussion amonst them.

The first bull said "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once
we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows
would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to
get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull continued "That pretty much says it for me, too.
I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows
we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but

The third bull said "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys
have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as
big as you lot yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep
all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an huge lorry pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
bull these guys had ever seen! At 5,000 pounds, each step he took
toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The First bull said "Ah...You know, it's actually been some time since
I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can
spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull said "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just
stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not
looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the ...
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