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long jokes 3

Big nose

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her
the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent
the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair makes your nose
look long."

Haloween Party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband,
he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss
the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because
hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when
she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could,
and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go
as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading
when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He
replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to
the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I
loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

Nymphomaniac Convention

A lady in a bar was asked by a man if he could join her in a drink.
"Yes" she says.
"Do you live in town?" he asks.
"No I am here for the Nymphomania convention." replies the woman.
"The what?" Askes the man, surprised.
"The nymphomania convention" she replies.
"I never heard of such a thing, he says, what ever do you do at one
of these conventions?"
"Many, many things, but one of the most important is to dispell myths
about sex."
"Like what?" he asks.
"Well for example do you know that Italian men are not the best
lovers, Jewish men are."
"Is that right?" he replys.
"Yes, and that black men are not the most well endowed, North
American Indian men have the best equipment."
"Well you learn something new everyday." he says.
Then he says, "It is late would you like to join me for dinner?"
"Well I am a little hungry", she said, "but I don't even know your
name, what is it?"

"Running Bear Goldberg..."

Sleeping Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down
the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back
against a tree.

As he slept, two young women walked down the road and heard the
Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always
wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw
what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has
solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she
took a red ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature
had provided the Scotsman with, and the two walked women away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve
himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the red ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said:
"I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won
first prize!"

Three Irishmen crossing a river

Three Irishmen are standing in front of a wide river and thinkinking of
how they could get to the other side. Suddenly a leprachaun appears
infront of them and says each of them has one wish.

So the first one says, "I wish I was a hundred times as smart as I am
now." Then he cuts a tree and rows over the river.

The second looks at that and says, "I wish I was one thousand times
as smart as I am now." Then suddenly he jumps to the next group of
trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then he sails over the river.

The third one says, "Fine. I want to be a million times as smart as I
am now." He looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.

Let the Train take the strain

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train
came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck
here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the
train and not the plane!"

Old Lady and a Genie

The old lady was sitting in her rocking chair, feeling lonely, and thinking
"Oh, if only I had my youth again and could be beatiful, I wouldn't ask
for anything more."

Just then a genie appeared. He said, "Old lady, your wish will be
granted." He touched her with his magic wand and she was
transformed into a beautiful young girl. Then the genie said, "And
becuase you have been so good on earth, you are hereby granted another wish.

"Looking down at her cat that was by her side, she replied , "Turn my
cat into a handsome prince." It was no sooner said then done. She
rushed into the arms of the handsome prince, exclaimed, "Oh this will
be heavenly..."

The prince looked at her and replied,"Yo're gonna be pissed off -
you nuetered me!"

Would you like a drink?

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each
other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some
technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies
to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor
ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister
whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would
rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the
air-hostess and said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

Don't say that!

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside
and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear'
or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist
nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it!" the man replied.

Thinking can be a dangerous thing

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -"to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me
in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed... "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You ...
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