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**Laugh & Smile**

Fun & Interesting things 2 brighten up yr day :)

*U don´t know Jack Schitt?*

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don´t know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents´ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don´t know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

*The human mind*

THE HUMAN MIND CAN READ BACKWARDS:
The pheomnneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatent tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe, amzanig huh?

*Chinese Proverbs*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who runs infront of car gets tyred.
Man who runs behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth!
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*Looney Laws*

They´re surprising, they´re baffling and they´re often downright stupid, but these laws are authentic ones passed in countries around the world. Notice that most of them are in the USA!

*In Ohio, it´s illegal to get a fish drunk.
*Everyone walking on the streets of Elko, Nevada, is required to wear a mask.
*It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state licence in Nebraska.
*In Halethorpe, Maryland, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
*In Waterville, Maine, it´s illegal to blow your nose in public.
*You can´t take a lion to the movies in Maryland, USA.
*A licence must be purchased before hanging clothes on a washing line in New York State.
*It is illegal to snooze on a train in West Virginia.
*In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself. A man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.
*In Israel, it´s forbidden to bring a bear to the beach.
*In Youngstown, Ohio, it is illegal to run out of petrol.
*It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on in North Dakota.
*In Asheville. North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
*A box of chocolates cannot be given as a romantic gift in Idaho unless it weighs more than 22 kilograms.
*It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date in Dyersburg, Tennessee.
*Responding to flirtation by using the eyes will get you into trouble in Ottumwa, Iowa.
*In Oklahoma, tissues are not to be found in the back of one´s car.
*In Kentucky, every citizen
is required to take a shower once a year.
*In Providence, Rhode Island, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
*Dancing with a monkey can land you behind bars in the UK.
*People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed in Oklahoma.
*In Florida, women can be fined for falling asleep under a hairdryer.
*In Natoma, Kansas, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.
*In Gary, Indiana, it is illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.
*In Tucson, Arizona, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
*In Sarasota, Florida, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

*MODERN CINDERELLA*

This is the story of Cinderella (the version you´ve never heard before) as told by Howard Stern.....

****************

Take my word for it, Cinderella was sooo hot. Problem was, her life sucked. Her father, a real A-Hole, got remarried to a semen-receptacle who had two daughters, both ugly cows who smelled like Jackie´s crotch. Cinderella´s life was in the toilet, Robin. Her stepmother and stepsisters treated her like a douche bag. But though she got dumped on, Cinderella never complained. For all I know, she may have been a closet bondage freak and got turned on by the abuse. The local prince, who´d gotten tired playing with himself, was giving a palace ball to find himself a bride. The fat-assed stepsisters were allowed to go, but not Cinderella, who was tied up in her room. That´s so hot!
Suddenly there appeared her fairy godmother, a cross-dressing lesbian in black leather and waving a magic whip. Oooh, what I would love to do to her, Robin! But anyway, the fairy godmother said to Cinderella, "Get it on with me and you´ll go to the ball." "Whatever you want," said Cinderella, who swung both ways and loved the idea of being a sex slave. "You make me so horny. Man, I wanna do you!" said the prince when he danced at the ball with Cinderella, but at midnight she fled the castle, leaving behind her G-string. For days afterward, the prince searched for its owner. Both stepsisters tried it on, but they both had fat asses so they didn´t stand a chance. Finally it was Cinderella´s turn. The G-string fit perfectly around her hot, wet....Oh man! She and the prince were married and, sharing their bed with the kinky fairy
godmother, lived hornily ever after.

SA LULLABY

S.A. with a twist of humour! Enjoy....

Hush my laaitie, dont you cry.
Daddy´s gonna steal you a Gti.
And if that Gti dont Torque, another Gti, I will stalk.
And if the stalking dont go well, daddy´s gonna steal you a Caravelle.
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks,
daddy´s gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 wont fly,
daddy´s gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM´s sound is kwaai,
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry,
then you´re not my laaitie,
....Your mom told me a lie!!

Wanna know how to shower like the opposite sex? Here´s how....

How to shower like a woman:

Get in shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it´s clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

*THE SHOWER*

How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willie at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of you willie and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry-off.
Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire willie size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willie at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

*Men vs Women*

*ROMANCE MATHEMATICS*
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

*SHOPPING MATH*
A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he needs.

A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn´t need.

*GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS*
A woman worries about the future until she gets a ...


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