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saturday july main

Saturday July 5 2014

A change is coming and a change has come. Accept it, MacPherson. I have. And I embrace the new and wonderful thing God has in store for me.

I'm giving Nicky 3 weeks from today. If I don't hear from her, I will completely forget about her, and block her from my life, in any and every way I possibly can. And if I don't see her I will do the same thing. Of course, without imagined conceit, I know I can call her and pressure a meeting any time. And I can make it enticing and worth her while but I won't.

These are 3 of 5 texts she sent me which remain with me and in my mind.

"i want only the best for you" 5/6/2014 10:42pm

"Nicky not good enough" 18/6/2014 12:56am

"allen i still think i will never deserve a man like you you are a good person" 18/6/2014 2:20pm

I went to Lovey's father's funeral. It was at St. Margaret's church. Father Hoo Sang preached. No one messaged me during it so I could say: "I'm at a funeral but don't worry, its not mine". Aunt Cissy was there. Nothing happening tomorrow.

I didn't go to the interment nor the repast. I walked to Liguanea, in my black suit, black shirt, black tie, dark glasses, grey hair, listening to the same 3 songs I've been listening to all week.

I bought a hard-rubber container (53 liters) at Rapid True Value in Sovereign for $2890 or something like that, the tax carrying it to almost $3500. Even the cashier Carol (I think her name was) took a second look at the bottom of it. It looked used or had been sitting on the floor for a long time. I carried it up to the bus stop by Scotia, in my black suit, black shirt, black tie, dark glasses, grey hair, listening to the same 3 songs I've been listening to all week, and took a route taxi to Mona.

I changed from my black suit, black shirt, black tie, into my black 'polo' shirt, black t-shirt underneath, smelling of stale washing soap, and my black jeans.

I couldn't resist. While I was changing my clothes, memories of the last saturday I was with her came back to me. I called her. No answer.

I took a bus down to Brooklyn supermarket, bought a bottle of water, and forgot to look again at the hard-rubber container I saw last night. I was distracted by Leslyn doing the glucose and cholesterol tests. It would cost me $650, she said, to test my cholesterol. I took a route taxi home, got $2000 out of my $5000 stash, and took another one back down to Brooklyn. My phone went dead on the journey up.

I did the cholesterol test with Leslyn (from the Heart Foundation) and it was 4.53, which is in the range. So if the reading is right, then the change of diet has lowered my cholesterol. Or God has. Let me not forget His part in this. Thanks be unto God, in the name of Jesus. My blood pressure was 130/80 which is good, especially for a hypertensive person.

I picked up another 2 liter Catherine's Peak Water and some wheat crackers, and looked at the rubber container. It was cleaner, a brilliant blue that I like, instead of the dark, dull blue one I bought before. Its was larger by 15 liters (68L) and cost $800 less. Instant depression. I saw Deon. She seemed to be training a new cashier. She called to me before I could call to her. I asked why she never calls her friend. She's still stuck on the same old story. She called, I never answered. She whatsapped me and I never replied. That story is months old. I didn't tell her that.

I bought a fish sandwich at Tastees, the young lady who brought it around was so pleasant and the young man who served me was so polite.

I did no work at all at work. I watched the Netherlands vs Costa Rica match which went down to penalties, with Netherlands coming out on top.

I also worked on my Memoirs of Today pages on Tumblr.

I also realized Nicky had sent me a text and my misbehaving phone deleted it.
She told me, it said "Call back". She told me this, after I had already called back anyway. I thought I saw a missed call from her too, but it was my missed call to her earlier. It was the usual conversation. "You good?" 'Yep, you good?" "I guess I'm good" "Ok talk later" [it was a little more than that though]. I called when I was leaving but didn't get her. I sent a text saying "You don't miss me, Nicky? Do you still like me any at all?" She didn't see the text, but the missed call and sent me a "please call me" a little after 9pm. She says she does miss my company but to the second question, she kept saying that I'm ok "You're ok". I told her that's not an answer. She says nothing has changed, its just that the work has both of us. I told her the work doesn't have me. I asked when are we going to meet. She says she doesn't know and she's got so used to not seeing me, its hard to think about seeing me (or something like that). There was some talk from her about not getting the extra $100 credit but she thought I had sent the usual $300 instead of $200 (this is the credit she didn't want). She says she will send me another "please call me" after she has put her baby to bed. If she does, I'll ask her if she wants me to send her some credit tomorrow and hear what she says.

Marsha called. I find it strange that this 25 year old makes an effort to stay in touch with me. Some ulterior motive? I don't know. I don't trust anyone. And I mean it. I didn't trust my own mother. And at one time I barely trusted God. But I trust Him now. Unequivocally.

I gave her $100 I think when i met her and her sister at Drug-Serv. Does she think there's a 100x more waiting? I gave Nicky $500 when I met her first. Did she end eventually get 100x more. I don't think so. But only God and Nicky knows if she did. But though Marsha is younger, she's not Nicky. Neither is Deon.

Osra called after to tell me someone trailed her from the bank and stole her entire salary.

Sophia called, while I was talking to Osra. She's down in St. Elizabeth for the night. I asked if she's sorry she didn't carry me? Where would I sleep, she wanted to know. I said, same place, where she's sleeping. She says I say some presumptious things sometimes. But I know she enjoys it.

S. posted a story on my Facebook page. Really a synopsis and retelling of The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry, but they added this "moral of the story", which I love (Stacia Carolyn Y., and Erica do too) and I close with it:

"To love is nothing, to be loved is something, but to love and to be loved by the one you love, that is EVERYTHING."

Just had the usual 1 hour chat with Nicky. Every time we speak our friendship or whatever it is, reverses some more. She knows how to hurt me without even trying.

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